How do you reconcile stinging your Mother?

I feel pretty bad right now. I'm not sorry... but it doesn't mean I'm happy.

In the previous post... I mentioned that I had responded to a familial e-mail. Within that post, I did admit that I am pagan. This disapointed my mother most obviously. In her response, she said " When/if the timecomes, I hope you remain dedicated to your religion (God) and beliefs.I know how you were raised and what you believed very strongly and I pray, that is what you rely on. "

I don't know how to reconcile the fact that my Mom is disapointed in me for who I am. To be completely open, I have considered myself Wiccan for over 7 years. I believe in Gods and Goddesses as aspects of the divine. My understanding of deity leans toward defining them by the names associated with the Norse faiths.

I do not believe in the bible as the divine word of God. I do not hold to a dogmatic faith. I do not believe in a heaven or hell as defined by Christianity. I do not believe any one faith holds "the answers.", rather that the divine reveals itself to every person in it's own way.

I have to admit, while I was raised as a Baptist... I never really FELT anything. The only time I was moved to tears was when I opened up and let some of the pain out over my parents divorce. I cannot think that a faith that does not inspire feeling is right for me.

But I feel a little down over knowing that I do not make my mother proud... but on the counter side of that coin, I cannot lie about who I am. If I were to claim the Christian faith to make others happy or proud, that's not even remotely REAL faith. Which frankly, I think would be even more disapointing, and greatly damaging to myself. This is going to take some interesting conversations to work around / through. I can only be who I am, and I can only change if I want to. And I'm happy with who I am.

Peace.

I may have just dropped a bomb on my family.

I hope they take my rantings in the vein in which they were inteded. But I keep recieving forwarded e-mail that slander the Muslim faith. Here's the latest.

> >>> Can a good Muslim be a good American? I forwarded that
> >>> question to a friend that worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years.
> >>> The following is his forwarded reply.
> >>>> >>> "Have you ever thought -- Can a devout Muslim be an American
> >>> patriot and a loyal citizen? Is Muslim American really an
> >>> oxymoron? Consider this:
> >>>> >>> Theologically, no. Because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon
> >>> god of Arabia.
> >>>> >>> Religiously, no. Because no other religion is accepted by his
> >>> Allah except Islam (Quran, 2:256)
> >>>> >>> Scripturally, no. Because his allegiance is to the five pillars of
> >>> Islam and the Quran (Koran).
> >>>> >>> Geographically, no. Because his allegiance is to Mecca, to
> >>> which he turns in prayer five times a day.
> >>>> >>> Socially, no. Because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make
> >>> friends with Christians or Jews.
> >>>> >>> Politically, no. Because he must submit to the mullah (spiritual
> >>> leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of
> >>> America, the great Satan.

> >>>> >>> Domestically, no, because he is instructed to marry four women
> >>> and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him (Quran 4:34).
> >>>> >>> Intellectually, no, because he cannot accept the American
> >>> Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles and he
> >>> believes the Bible to be corrupt.
> >>>> >>> Philosophically, no, because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran
> >>> do not allow freedom of religion and expression. Democracy
> >>> and Islam cannot co-exist. Every Muslim government is either
> >>> dictatorial or Autocratic.
> >>>> >>> Spiritually, no, because when we declare "one nation under
> >>> God," the Christian's God is loving and kind, while Allah is
> >>> NEVER referred to as heavenly father, nor is he ever called
> >>> love in the Quran's 99 excellent names.
> >>>> >>> Therefore after much study and deliberation.... Perhaps we
> >>> should be very suspicious of ALL MUSLIMS in this country.
> >>> They obviously cannot be both "good" Muslims and good
> >>> Americans. Call it what you wish...it's still the truth. "
> >>>> >>> If you find yourself intellectually in agreement with the above
> >>> statements, perhaps you will share this with your friends.
> >>> The more who understand this, the better it will be for our
> >>> country and our future.
> >>>> >>> Pass it on Fellow Americans.... The religious war is bigger
> >>> than we know or understand.


I just let a stream of consciousness go and this is what came out...

All,
As I responded in my previous response, to group all people of a faith together is disingenuous at best, and biggoted at worst. I have known no fewer than 10 Islamic American that I have worked with and associated with at different points in my career. Not a one of them wanted to destroy anything or warrented even the slightest bit of suspicion. If ALL Islamic peoples believed this way, then at least one of them would have been a terrorist... right?

In addition, several points made in this e-mail can also have their beam pointed straight at the Christan faith as well. Christians accept no other religions but christianity. And their allegiance is to the teachings of Christ (supposedly). Additionally, didn't Kennedy all those years ago have some issues because of fear that he would have to bow to the Pope as a catholic? How are those fears different than mullahs?

Lastly, The laws of this nation are actually modeled after Greek and Roman principals... not Christian. If this nation was founded on biblical principals, then we would look a lot more like Islamic nations than we do. Adultery would be illegal, as would working on Sunday, or being part of any non-christian faith. And that's only looking at the 10 commandments for inspiration. If you looked at Exodus 22:18 you would find the classic passage of "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." and several of my friends and myself would have to be put to death. This is clearly not so in this country.

I have said before, I believe all of you have the best intentions at heart and are intelligent and kind minded people. I would request that we as good people do not to propogate unwarrented suspicion. Unless your intention is to advocate a crusade (which is really just a Christian Jihad), in which case, leave me out of it. I will refuse to hate, or suspect someone based off their faith. I refuse to belive that this is the case though.

Voodoo.




I think it was the last sentence about the religious war that set me off... I honestly do not believe that any faith is worth killing for. And most faiths ARE worth dying for. This is a strange way to think, but it seems to make sense. I've just never understood why someone would advocate killing someone for what they believe. It seems as stupid as killing becuase someone like pistacio ice cream. Neither of those beliefs influences me and mine one bit. It just doesn't matter what the guy next door believes or likes. I weep for our world. We are going to kill ourselves as a race. And it's going to be because of pistacio ice cream damnit!

The poker plan.

OK, Here's the plan.
I have barely been able to play poker in a while. But I still have just over $80 in my Pokerstars account. I need to work on my tournament game. Soooo.

One night a week I will play in a $10 buy in tournament. I will be doing this for 8 weeks and we'll see where I am at the end of the whole shebang. I am going to aim for playing on Wedsday nights. I will post the results as they get come in. I am going to spend from now until wendsday reading Harrington again to get ready for tournament thought. I'll let you know.

Well, it certainly illustrates the diversity of the word.

What the fuck, you fucking fucks fucked this fucking fuck. This fucking fuck is really fucked. FUCK!

OK, now that that is out of the way. I recieved word today that the project I'm on is on a potentially indeterminite delay, pending a call with the client this afternoon.
I'm so tired of this. Is it too much to ask that all the hard work we've put in get to see the light of day. Is it inconceiveable to realize that a data conversion of this size is IMPOSSIBLE to get 100% perfection. Most major projects aim for 98~99% as a threshold. I'm beyond despair now. I was so stoked a few weeks ago, and now I'm feeling the crushing weight of the thought that this project is potentially going to fail.

Allright. I'm done venting. I'll be OK. I just need to find my center. I'm sure I left it next to my soul, life, and sanity. If only I knew where those were. . I think I'll check behind the couch.

Truly speechless

OK, I think I just watched one of the most phycologicaly fucked up films of my entire life. I will put movies on from netflix in the background here while I'm running scripts and crap. If you have not see the movie Oldboy, I would HIGHLY recommend it. But I will warn you that there are many, many seriously messed up concepts in this film. Plus several scenes of torture, which I've always found a little disturbing. But overall, I'm going to be thinking about this one for a while, and I find that to be a very good thing.

and baby makes 3

Yup, we're now at 3 - "1 week" delays. This time it's strictly so the client can test out the latest change. Good news: I get a weekend. Bad news : another fucking week of not being live. I'm starting to get tired of this.

well, hold your breath

We learn today wether Monday will be the go live or not. we've so far had 2 - "1 Week delays." With luck, the last piece of the puzzle will get sign off today. More later today. I've given up being optimistic, I'll just take what comes and work as hard as I can.

Lauch in a hold due to weather.

Son of a... After I posted how much I was looking forward to going live today, it was delayed. This is irritating. Looks like the launch is hopefully only delayed a week. But more than likely my vacation will be postponed.

That much is a bummer. I woke up this morning SOOO tired. I woke up every 2 hours last night to check up on some database maintinence. That's really no way to live. My body is starting to fall apart, I've got very large dark circles under my eyes. I haven't shaved in a week (it's actually starting to show... ).

Well, here I go again. It's not even lunch yet, and I'm drinking the red bull.