That souldn't hurt like that.

A bit down. Not terribly, but a little bit. Hard to explaine, but it's completely rational. I'll leave the reasons to myself at this time. But it's related to unrequited affection... c'est la vie.

I have come to a big dsesicion though. I've been back on the Paxil for the last 2 and a half weeks. I've come to the conclusion that I need it to function in nornal society. I'm having to admit that I'm a manic deppresive and my moods are crazy wild. I will probably be like this the rest of my life and the Paxil balances me out. It's not that I don't feel good or bad... it's just the swings are much more rational and I can deal with them rather than going into rages, or crushing lows. I hurt my hand during a swing a few weeks ago when I lashed out with a punch (at an inanimate object). I'm probably going to have to see a doc 'cause it's not healing.

I tried to go off the drugs for a while... but I just wasn't able to function properly. It's not that I want to control my emotions, they are wonderful. But without the medication I am dominated by them. A high was the BEST time I've had, and a low would leave me wanting to stay in bed and do nothing but hide. This is not who I want to be. And the meds fix that without too many side effects. (and one REALLY beneficial one... so no complaints)

It's hard to admit that I'm sick. That I have to have this to function. But I think it's an important thing for me. My work is improving again and I'm not crushed by the lost love. Just melancholie over it.