Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I feel awful

Yeah, that's the only way to describe it.
I think I've finally gotten over my cold... only to find myself slipping into a pretty severe depression. I don't know what to make of it. I have a lot to be down about... so it may be situational, which is normal. I guess I'll just have to keep an eye on it and watch my friends' reactions. That's usually a good reflection. I'm not going back on the Paxil.
I started taking that about a year and a half ago when my job at FRx put me in a really bad headspace. I'm an exceptional DBA (Database Analyst for you computer illeterate who may read this), but FRx had me doing .NET development. Which is kinda like asking someone who is fluent in Japanese to translate for a Chinese speaker... just 'cause they are similar. Well I tried my best and failed. I was fired for it. But in attempting to do it I sent myself into a mental state that led to serious anxiety and panic attacks.
I was out of work for about a month until I found my job at Avanade. Which all I've done professionally in the last year is database work. I'm happy as a clam doing it. On top of that I'm respected by my co-workers and several who have known what happened at FRx have all claime that that was Avanade's gain... this makes me feel a degree of pride.
So, I no longer need the Paxil for the anxiety as I have my confidence and swagger back as a developer. I've missed that and I love having it back.
The only drawback is, that Paxil is also an anti-depressant. So I didn't realize how saddened I was by certain happenings in my life. Losing my ex as a lover and a romantic interest (still friends, but the loss there is real) left a gap that I didn't realize while I was numbed by the medication. And now it's hitting me and I am dealing with it. It's the kind of thing that everyone goes through in these circumstances, just feels strange because of the emotional delay caused by being medicated when it happens.
I just accidentally spent 2 hours on the phone with a friend... it's now 12:20. I haven't done that in quite sometime. I'm feeling a lot better. Funny how things just happen that way. The gods work in some pretty cool ways sometimes. Let's just hope Loki isn't waiting to pull the rug out from under me. But I think I'm ready for a good nights sleep... this will be a pleasent change.

Good night.


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Location: Thornton, Colorado, United States

I'm a geek, plain and simple. I used to fence, I play poker when I can, and am learning to play lacrosse. I also work WAY too much.

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